let them eat harmony
Monday, June 28, 2010 at 1:37PM Let me cut right to the chase on this post, I have three points to share…
- I stole the name for this post from a great article I read recently.
- Harmony = Bad
- Conflict = Good
I know, I know…as a peace lover and diversity advocate I am supposed to be all about harmony right? Well, I am not. I believe that harmony is dangerous and often false. I believe that harmony is often the silence before the heartbreak.
A big part of the definition of harmony is:
a consistent, orderly, or pleasing arrangement of parts; congruity
It is hard to have order or a pleasing arrangement of parts with human beings, at lest in the long run. The fact is, if we are being authentic and honest with each other we are all different. That difference brings with it some tension, some conflict. Clearly we need to be able to handle it in a functional way, but that tension is incredibly valuable...unfortunately we often avoid it rather than pursue it.
That tension is a catalyst for learning, for change, and for evolution both for individuals and for groups. If we do not have any disagreement, dissent, or tension then we are not in a social space where people are being true to themselves and honest with each other.
It feels good to be in complete agreement with someone, because it provides a sense of unity and of belonging…but it quickly becomes dangerous when we start to deny the parts of who we are that are unique to us and / or different from the others.
If you and I come together around our shared love of kick-ass socks, but we disagree on nearly everything else…we might have a very real tendency to just focus on socks and downplay or avoid everything else. In this situation our relationship is safe and simple, but it is fairly shallow because there is just this one thing holding us together.
A relationship that is focused solely on commonality and excludes all difference has some value, but it is not nearly as valuable and robust as a more honest relationship could be, where we both have potential learn from each other.
It is important to understand and appreciate the value of difference, but it is also critical to have the social and relational skills to share difference in a healthy and functional way.
Advocating for diversity and inclusion is not about hugs, kisses, sunshine, being best friends forever or harmony. It is about human beings being real with each other. And human beings being real with each other is loud and messy and sometimes we knock stuff over. Real is real. Its not always convenient or orderly, but it is honest and it is packed full of potential.
Be good to each other.
Reader Comments (20)
Great post! You knocked it out of the park and past the cars in the parking lot.....
If we aren't disagreeing, we aren't thinking. And we certainly aren't being honest. Civil disagreement is the basis on which things improve.
Shelly
Great post Joe. I totally agree. We do not do our best work when we are comfortable and we do not get the best from our groups when everyone avoids conflict and disagreement.
-Meg
Hello Joe,
Your post called out to me, I read it numerous times, spent a few days with it - and I've finally collected my thoughts here:
http://www.iamronen.com/2010/07/tapas/
Thank you for your provoking post.
All Things Good
Ronen
Y'know, as someone who had the Japanese symbol for "harmony" tattooed on my arm a few years ago, I'm not sure I can get down with "Harmony = bad," if only because those laser removal things are expensive!
So now I'm thinking about that tattoo. When I got it, it meant a couple of things to me. a) I'm a part-time musician, and my love of music was definitely wrapped up in there, but b) most of all, it was about my full-time job, in Diversity & Inclusion and Social Justice. And "harmony" in that context was about difference. Back to the musical metaphor, it was not harmony as opposed to dissonance necessarily, but rather harmony as opposed to unison - how two, three, or four notes played at the same time is infinitely more pleasing to the ear than everyone playing/singing the same note at the same time. And how sometimes dissonant chords are also beautiful, and necessary.
I realize I'm parsing here, but your post got me to thinking. The "Conflict = good" stuff is right on target, as per usual. And it's taken me a long time to get there - that mental shift was mostly about disassociating "conflict" with "fighting" or situations that lead to long-term strife and reframing conflict as a process wherein people of difference can, if they choose, come to a greater understanding about one another. Returning to the music for a moment, conflict is that dissonant chord that can lead to something harmonic, and doesn't have to be about playing your note so loudly that you drown everyone else out.
Pardon me; I'm going to turn on some Bach now. And then, maybe a little Pixies. :-)
May I continue the music metaphor? Dissonant chords add interest and texture to a piece. They can also be part of a “suspension,” that is typically “resolved.” Even if you do not speak the music lingo, you can often intuitively hear what the resolution should be. Without the resolution, the piece feels unfinished, as though you are always waiting for the resolution. Harmony, by its very definition, is not everyone playing/singing the same note, but rather different notes that contribute to the overall beauty and completeness of the piece. When someone is sounding a dissonant note, that adds to the interest and texture of the work, yet everyone then tries to “resolve” the dissonance to create harmony – to “complete” the work.
No doubt I loved your post. Agreed with most of it.
But how do you get to where you can disagree in an smaller urban setting like Omaha? For diverse communities to be able to be in conflict in a positive way there has to be trusting relationships prior to conflict.
That is the problem: people like to get together and debate, but there isn't any relationship.
So how do we get the whole thing going? Chill out at some bars first? Drink some beer and get to know each other and just talk? Relate?
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